Sob, Sob

Sob, Sob!

That's how I finished this brief announcement. "Sob, Sob" was a character that Jof invented in his teens. He was a gifted cartoonist. He was a gifted film-maker, artist, human being and games programmer as well and, although I never heard him, I'm sure he was a gifted DJ too. Jof excelled at everything he did, apart perhaps from his inability to deal with most human beings face to face. Don't get me wrong, he was funny as hell and his friends loved him to bits, but human contact was a much bigger struggle for him than anything else. Particularly with women. But I knew him in his 20s mainly, so maybe that track record improved.

Which brings us back to Sob, Sob! We'd known each other quite a while before he started to show me his 'other' artwork, away from games. Sob, sob would go through life with the best of hopes and intentions but life would turn back on him and the final frame would just feature him saying 'Sob, sob'. Pure Joffa. Laughing at emotions and melancholia (he was a Widnes lad, after all) but being painfully aware of them. He always cared much more about films and art than he did about games, but games gave him an immediate outlet for his artistic bent and, better still, he turned out to be a top, top technician.

He never sucked up, never made 'the right move' and never attempted to grab the limelight when I knew him. He was anti-fame and virtually anti-recognition, which is why he originally wasn't held in the same regard as people like the teams at Ultimate, Imagine, the Matthew Smith's et. al. His games were appreciated by kids in bedrooms, though, and when those kids revisited their youthful years on forums at WOS, (where he used another old alias of frobush), he discovered that actually people did love him and his work and I think (mainly judging from his postings) he enjoyed the appreciation more than I ever remember him enjoying the original experience of being a games programmer. I'm so glad that he found that appreciation in the end. He always knew he was good, but to be loved by people who would accept his eccentricities was a different thing altogether.

Ah, eccentricities! Many of the tributes have mentioned him being as daft as a brush. There's no question that he had an enormous internal world of imagination and feelings, but I also remember him as being incredibly down to earth and although we'd have a brilliant laugh and he loved the absurd, he wasn't quite as crazy as he seemed from some of the WOS forum postings. But Jof's big thing was that he was always just having a laugh anyway. He was, but that was often to cover up a pretty deep and emotional guy. I think he liked to play up to being a little crazy. But, as many forum posters have recognised, everything was just a big piss-take with Jof. That was his form of anarchy.

I suppose by some standard definition of these things, we lost touch. Actually, we didn't and we'd have the occasional burst of contact, a couple of days mail flurry or a long phone call and everything would instantly feel the same as the old days, but we hadn't spent much time together for a long time. Therein lies the dilemma. My guilt is nothing compared to the pain he obviously went through recently and his family are going through now but I remember him in happier times and wish I'd done more to make him happier later on. I was delighted when we discussed him getting into DJ-ing and partying because I knew he'd have a great time, open up to other people a lot more and it might make him happier. Actually, I remember seeing him in that time and he did seem a lot happier and had changed and I was reassured. But he deserved better from me.

When I saw last year's Byte Back conference being organised, I stuck it in my diary. I was going to turn up and surprise him and was really looking forward to it. Then, sigh, sh*t happened and I couldn't go. I wish I had now, or checked the forums in May or June and could have seen him again.

Joff achieved so much in his life, regardless of whether he thought he had. He did certain things with a Spectrum that others hadn't yet (although he did *not* write Ping Pong! Just the music! He'd appreciate that comment and the music was the best bit, of course ), he followed his own path even though that might have made his life more difficult but, most of all, he cared about things. He cared about art, politics, people, the planet, music, .... this could go on forever. But beneath that painfully shy exterior lay a deep personality and that's why he found his home in forums, where he could communicate with people on a deep/shallow level who wouldn't take things at face value.

Ultimately, I could write for days and weeks and still not do him justice. I could write 50 different tributes (and I'm not kidding). All I know is that the world is a worse place for Joffa not being in it. Mine certainly is. He changed my view of the world, was the best of mates and as a confirmed atheist I hope I'm wrong but relieved that he won't be in any pain any more.

But that's just my view and my heart goes out to others who will be devastated to not be around him any more. He loved his family and we talked about them a lot. He was just a normal working class lad from Widnes who got to play around with things and be creative. That view might be out of fashion, but I don't give a shit and neither did Joff.

A class act, Jof. But at least you knew I thought that. Will f*cking miss you loads, mate, knowing we'll never speak again.

Sob, sob ... forever.

P.S. If the spelling and variation of Jonathan Smith's names is a distraction then tough. I could never work it out and he changed it constantly. Love, Bernie Dugggs.